Relational Sacrifice and Self-Love
There are so many conflicting messages floating around regarding relationships.
“You need to take care of you first”... “Compromise is key”... “Don’t let them change you”... “Don’t depend on anyone else to make you happy”...“Work together as a team”...“It’s not just about you anymore”...“Stay single if you don’t want to navigate someone else’s stuff”... “Don’t go to bed angry”...and the list goes on.
With so many messages circulating it often seems like there are contradictory goals. For instance, what if compromise requires you to put some of your own needs aside? Or what if staying up to resolve things, so you aren’t going to bed angry, feels likes neglecting self-care? If you’re anything like me, once in the midst of an emotional relationship, navigating which advice to listen to, rather than letting our moods direct can be challenging. After all what really is healthy for oneself as well as beneficial for a relationship?
This question could be answered in many different ways, but at the broadest level, cultural orientation can be a lens through which individuals determine what is best. In collectivist cultures, the best option is usually perceived to be one of conformity; whereas in individualistic cultures addressing one’s own needs tends to be seen as beneficial (see notes below for further details). But cultural tendencies aside, are there universal principles that can be applied cross-culturally to the determine the best approaches in navigating sacrifice or self-care in relationships? Do you need to choose?
It may be helpful to examine what relationship theorists consider to be the foundation of intimate relationships: interdependence. In order to develop a close, connected relationship, each partner will reciprocally influence the other partner (1). For example, if I am deciding about my career, my partner’s goals, perceptions, thoughts, and well-being will influence my decision, and likewise my decision will have an impact on my partner’s goals, perceptions, thoughts, and well-being. This interdependent nature in relationships fosters closeness and connection (elements tied to relationship satisfaction and longevity).
A dysfunctional version of interdependence would be what layman term as “co-dependency”, the clinical world views this dynamic more from as a developmental attachment dysfunction. Instead of mutually considering each other’s needs, there is an imbalance in which one person overly considers the partner’s needs in order to maintain the relationship. This over consideration only enables the partner’s relationship inhibiting patterns (such as addiction, emotional avoidance, misogyny, abuse, etc). In such a situation, interdependence is not possible because the dependent individual is not showing up to the situation honestly presenting their true selves, out of fear of rejection, instead they overcompensate. They are “dependent” on the other person in keeping the relationship, who is behaving “independently”. This dynamic often conceals the overcompensating persons’ underdeveloped identity and true needs as they cling to a relationship at all costs.
So back to the original dilemma...Do I take care of my own needs versus relational needs? The question goes even further back, prior to the relationship. Do you know your own needs? And if so, are you in a relationship where your partner knows those needs and is emotionally capable of working with you? In the dynamics of interdependence, the relationship needs become elements of one’s own needs because a healthy relationship is defined by closeness, stemming from interdependence.
From the cultural lens, individuals living in collectivist cultures tend to have higher rates of marital quality because the nature of being interdependence is so innate in their culture (2). Whereas, individuals from individualistic cultures may have a more cognitive dissonance about the interdependent nature of a relationship being an element and integration of self-love.
Ultimately, relationship science supports sacrifice as an important element in maintaining close bonds (3). Being willing to sacrifice in a relationship is predictive of high levels of commitment and high levels of satisfaction, with feelings of commitment largely mediating (or partially explaining) these associations (4). In other words, willingness to sacrifice is related to high levels of satisfaction because willingness to sacrifice promotes feelings of commitment and feelings of commitment predict higher commitment/satisfaction. Additionally, sacrifice may create an atmospheres of trust and closeness, also variables associated with satisfaction. While sacrifice is beneficial in most situations, it is not always the case. When a partner does not adhere to an interdependent nature of relationships, sacrifice often feels inauthentic and inhibits relational satisfaction (5). Other studies, have examined lack of interdependence stemming from anxious/avoidant attachment and in these situations sacrifice is differentially effective (6). For some, having a relationship that is not interdependent seems to be their preference and sacrifice is not universally beneficial, yet the ability to develop depth and closeness in such relationships is theoretically limited.
Wrapping it all up, each relationship is unique, but in general, the colloquial questions above don’t need to be in conflict, if you chose to engage in an interdependent relationship where there is a healthy blending of the relationship as an element of self. However, without interdependence there may be more dissonance and tension in opposing goals. If you find yourself trying to sort through this, a starting place can be identifying the type of relationship you want with yourself and the type of relationship you want with a romantic partner. From there clarifying your goals becomes infinitely easier!
1. Finkel, E. J., Simpson, J. A., & Eastwick, P. W. (2017). The psychology of close relationships: Fourteen core principles. Annual Review of Psychology, 68, 383– 411.
2. Cirhinlioglu, F., Demir, G., Tepe, Y., & Cirhinlioglu, Z. (2019). Marital quality, individualism/collectivism and divorce attitude in Turkey. International Journal of Innovative Science and Research Technology, 4(3), 559-567.
3. Stanley, S., Whitton, S., Sadberry, S., Clements, M., & Markman, H. (2006). Sacrifice as a predictor of marital outcomes. Family Process, 45(3). 289-303.
4. Van Lange, P., Rusbult, C., Drigotas, S., Arriaga, X., Witcher, B., & Cox, C. (1997). Willingness to sacrifice in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 72(6), 1373-1395.
5. Day, L., & Impett, E. (2017). Giving when it costs: How interdependent self-construal shapes willingness to sacrifice and satisfaction with sacrifice in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(5), 722-742.
6. Ruppel, E., & Curran, M. (2012). Relational sacrifices in romantic relationships: Satisfaction and the moderating role of attachment. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29(4), 508-529.
Note: Collectivist cultures tend to make decisions based on what is best for the collective group whereas individualistic cultures focus on individual rights and an individual’s goals.* Rather than adhering to a collectivist or individualistic mindset being a black or white categorization, cultural orientation tends to fall on a spectrum, and of course citizens within the country generally adhere to the culture they live in, but this is not the case for everyone. On the far end of the spectrum highly individualistic countries include: the United States, Australia, UK; and the other end of the spectrum includes countries with strong adherence to a collectivist culture such as: Guatamala, Ecuador, or Panama. This orientation infiltrates the way individuals approach goals and general life. For example, in an individualistic culture, being independent, assertive, strong-willed, and self-assured are traits that are typically valued, whereas in a collectivist culture it is generally valued to be generous, agreeable, reliant, and hesitant.
*https://www.verywellmind.com/what-are-collectivistic-cultures-2794962
