Desirable to Desire
As children we seek approval from the adults in our life. If you observe children long enough you will see that they seek attention through behaving in ways that their adult caregivers desire. For example, a baby might smile or take a few first steps, and adults will reward this behavior through lots of praise, smiles, and excitement. The baby learns that their actions are desirable based on the environment reinforcing this. As children this social-emotional learning is important in learning how to function effectively in society. Psychologist and speaker, Margaret Nagib, posits that the shift from living from a place of seeking to be desirable to living from a place of our own desires is extremely important.
Living from a place of seeking to be desirable will never lead to fulfilment because at its core is a self-focused mindset—What can I do that other people will approve of and I will feel secure? As children a solipsistic view is important to survival, the world needs to revolve around one’s self to learn and get needs met; but as we mature and develop if we don’t transition away from our own selves and seeking approval to feel secure, it can be a root of deep dissatisfaction and lack of fulfilment. We are no longer children and others’ approval will never fulfil us because it doesn’t honor our true selves, approval honors what others want.
The irony is that in learning to transition away from ourselves, we need to first focus on ourselves and discover who we are and what our unique desires are, not what society tells us is desirable. It is rare that an individual will have innate desires that are not connected to others; we are relational beings. As we move from seeking to be desirable to discovering our innate desires, we naturally begin to think of ourselves less and start to share ourselves in an authentic way with those around us.
Many of us spend our lives seeking to achieve what society tells us is desirable- sometimes that is through body image, career, or even the“American dream”, but this self-focus of seeking to do something for approval is a facade of happiness, shallow and fleeting. What if you were in touch with your unique gifts and desires? Where would these lead you? What would you have to share with the world?
Once you are connected with your deepest longings, your fulfilment no longer becomes based on whether you are achieving society’s standards of desirable or functioning in a specific role, but you can be fulfilled as you move towards others, sharing your unique gifts, talents, and skills in any role or stage of life.
