Walls and Boundaries
Walls. Depending on the context walls can either be very necessary, destructive, or somewhere in between. Without walls on our home we would not be protected from elements; walls around a play pen for a baby are not essential, but can be a lifesaver if you simply need a minute to breathe; walls around our heart are destructive to our souls. Humans were created for connection, and as long as we have walls around our hearts, we are unable to authentically connect and live in the way we were designed.
Now you may be thinking that protecting your heart is wise. I agree. However, there is a fine line between boundaries and walls. Boundaries will help you protect your heart, time, and resources in a healthy way. In fact, if we didn’t have boundaries, we would become overwhelmed with the external world and also lack resources to truly connect with those closest to us. Boundaries are adaptable depending on the level of relationship. For instance, when I first met my best friend I would have found it strange for her to walk into my house; yet now our homes are open doors and we no longer get up to greet each other and answer the door, a simple heads up that we’re coming over is enough. Boundaries do not have to be just physical, but emotional boundaries also help to protect intimacy. For example, some people would consider discussing what goes on “in the bedroom” to a co-worker to be a boundary violation, others who are more fluid in having open relationships may not see this as such. Appropriate boundaries are often based on culture and value systems. Boundaries are different from showing up to interactions without walls.
When I refer to walls, I am referring to the areas around our hearts where we don’t allow others to see our true selves when we are in a situation of connection. We have walls to block off vulnerable aspects of ourselves that we may not feel completely comfortable with. When we don’t have walls we are able to be truly authentic with a spouse about our feelings despite any fear of disapproval; we are able to be authentic about our “past” with someone who is now in a similar or parallel situation. How many times do we go through life saying we ”are fine”? Sometimes we are truly fine, but many times there is often more to the picture and culturally we aren’t so comfortable with the concept of “It’s okay to not be okay”. Everything in our culture tells us joy, happiness, cheer, and thriving are desirable successful and good. I agree to a certain extent, but there is a time and place to “not be okay”.
Denying our true selves in our most intimate relationships can be a signal that there are walls around our hearts. One of the reasons I have developed such a deep friendship with my best friend is because from the very beginning neither of us had walls. We shared openly and honestly about everything; the raw, ugly, beautiful truth and have grown together in the process. When I think of the relationships in my life, my closest connections are characterized by a mutual raw vulnerability, without walls. The resulting gifts are growth and flourishing inside and outside the relationship.
This all circles back to boundaries in the sense that if we show up vulnerably and our true selves are not respected (a major fear), a boundary (that looks similar to a wall) may be in order in that specific instance or with that specific person. A boundary may be created due to experienced disrespect and a realization that the person was incapable or unwilling to connect with our true self. Yet we can still live without walls around our heart as we continue to connect with those around us. And once again, boundaries tend to be adaptable, so if the person who disrespected us were to genuinely apologize, we may be able to risk true vulnerability again.
Social scientist researcher, author, and all-around amazing woman, Brené Brown astutely states that “authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” When we have walls around our hearts, we waste energy trying to present parts of ourselves that we think others will find valuable or will approve of. Yet, the irony is that the approval, if gained, is superficial because we are not fully authentic. When we hold back, we deprive ourselves the opportunity of authenticity, and as we gain approval and validation based on parts of ourselves we experience intimacy in parts.
So just let down your walls. Sounds easy enough, right? Not, really. We often build walls around ourselves as a way to protect ourselves from getting hurt because our pseudo sense of approval feels safer than a fear of rejection. However Dr. Brown suggests that “you either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” The aspects that we tend to hide can be areas of our own life that we feel prevent us from being worthy, or areas that we feel shame around. However, whatever we give power to gains momentum and energy.
As we embrace our own story, and live from a place of authenticity, not only do we find the shame start to diminish, but our connections also begin to shift. The individuals who do not approve of or empathize with our authentic selves were never meant to be in our lives in the first place, and are certainly not barometers from which to base our worthiness, no matter how esteemed they may be in society. On the flip side, we gain a deepened experience of intimacy with those that truly reflect and see our value and no longer waste time trying to earn our worthiness or value from those who can’t see it.
As we begin to live from a place of true connection, we find that not only do we experience the depth of fulfilment in our personal relationships, but we also have a newfound energy to fulfil our goals and dreams without the weight of “hustling for our worthiness”. We are empowered by connection rather than weighed down. Walls can be necessary, destructive, or somewhere in between. As the walls around our hearts come crashing down we realize that they were keeping us from more than just genuine connection, but also preventing our hearts from receiving the freedom and energy that fuels our dreams.
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en
