Onward
Recently I have gone through a series of events that were much less than ideal. It has been a season of loss, grief, disappointment, and walking into the unknown. Much of my life was destabilized and I was left clinging to God; asking the hard questions; and in the process learning more about myself and the world around me. I discovered that while it is possible for everything around oneself to fall apart, that doesn’t mean you have to “fall apart”. Throughout this season I was blessed with an abundance of incredible support and wisdom, but three pieces of wisdom, from three very different people, were paramount, and interestingly more intertwined than appeared.
1.) Keep it moving.
2.) Give away the little you do have.
3.) Trust God.
While on the surface-- feeling like I’m barely keeping my head above water, snot running down my face, and bleary eyed because my I legit have no more tears left to cry--this advice seemed insensitive, and was certainly not comforting, but it was foundational. Now, by no means am I advocating ignoring feelings and just plowing ahead with life, but I have learned through this season, there is a way to honor feelings, without getting lost in the grief, sadness, or whatever other negative emotion you may be facing. You can capture these three golden nuggets of wisdom while still making time to breath and process. Otherwise it becomes avoidance and that leads to a host of other problems. But, I digress, focusing on this current wisdom...
Keep it moving.
When I didn’t believe in myself, my friend saw this possibility. This concept forced me to focus on what I could do each day. Negative emotions are embedded in seasons of disappointment, loss, and/or grief, yet being able to move forward a little each day, not only helped me on a surface level, climb out of the pain, but it also was a platform to build self-efficacy (belief in one’s ability to achieve goals), in addition to strengthening my belief that it was not going to go on forever. I would (and did) eventually come out of it. In the beginning, “keep it moving” required me to focus on self-care. I showered more this week than last; I ate healthier this week than last; I exercised a little more this week than last, etc. The process was not linear, but there was linear movement over time.
Having a mindset of keeping it moving can be foundational to any goal, whether that goal is coming out of a difficult season, or whether that goal is to build your own business. What are you doing today to keep it moving? You may not be where you want to be, but there are certainly steps you can take to lead you there if you focus on what you do have in front of you. What are your current resources-- Time? Money? Connections? Passion? How can you utilize your current resources to take a step toward where you want to be? As you step forward, you will gain the inner strength and confidence to continue taking steps toward your goal. The self-efficacy gained is associated with a plethora of outcomes not only directly related to goal achievement, but also decreased stress, burnout, and lowered reactivity, and much more*.
Give away the little you do have.
Many people’s natural reaction when going through a season of loss, where they don’t feel like they even have enough of their own resources to survive is to retract and save in at least one of the areas that are impacted, if not all these areas—whether that means saving emotional energy, saving financial resources, or saving time for themselves.
While experiencing all these areas of lack in my most recent season of loss, the area of conservation I struggled with most was giving away my emotional energy. I previously tended to wait until I felt better to start giving to others emotionally. However, I decided to take a chance with this wisdom, to give away a little in the midst of my own pain, and something beautiful happened.
Much to my surprise, I learned that I still had something of value in me to share with the world in the midst of my pain. I learned that I was capable of sharing love with others even when I felt like I needed love. I began to learn a healthy balance of recognizing when I truly did need to take time for myself (self-care), versus when taking time for myself was hiding a negative core belief of unworthiness (I have nothing to offer right now). Giving away the little I had not only resulted in loving others more during this time, but it also resulted in developing a deep self-love that was motivational in continuing to “keep it moving”. When in seasons of loss, disappointment, or general apathy where we find that we have already lost enough, any mindset or attitude that supports movement towards dreams and destiny is worth attention.
I have never been disappointed when I have given away the little that I have. Pro-social acts are thought to increase well-being due to meeting psychological needs of autonomy, competence, and connection. Yet, these needs explain about 60% of the correlation between pro-social acts and well-being**. While not yet researched, I would venture to guess that part of the inherent nature of benevolence is that we intrinsically receive abstract, individualized gifts as an outcome of giving of ourselves.
This season I received an additional gift of self-love, a hope in beginning to see the redemptive purposes behind my own pain, and more emotional energy. The ironic part about holding back the little we do have is that we often fear that we will lack. My experience is that when I give, not only do those around me receive more than they had before, but I also receive more of what I lacked, in addition to something different and better that I didn’t know I needed.
Where do you feel like you are lacking? I encourage you to risk giving a little away in that area of your life and reflecting on where this experience of giving leads to a gift for not only others but also yourself.
Trust God.
It’s such a cliché thing to say that it’s almost easy to dismiss. But the more I walked through this past season, the more I realized that without trusting that still small voice inside of me I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to figure out my own solutions to the challenges of the season. When we are going through a difficult season, energy is a precious commodity. What we think will fix the problem for us, can often lead to exhaustion. When we are partnering with God in his plans and purposes, it might be busy, but there will be grace, rather than an overwhelmed feeling. Feeling overwhelmed may indicate we are on the wrong path, have the wrong timing, or something internal is not connected with the heart of God in that season.
In my situation, God had very specific steps that would lead me to one of the goals I was trying to achieve. For instance, at one point I spent a significant amount of time applying for jobs I was well qualified for. But after many unfruitful interviews, I finally decided to listen to what I was sensing. To just relax and focus on my forward goals of self-care. Several weeks later, when I felt internally prompted to apply for a job from a place of peace, I got an offer almost immediately. While it was not the end goal of my “career job”, it was a step in the right direction, and in retrospect it was the perfect job considering the unforeseen events that were on my path in the months ahead. I learned to relax, trusting that God would guide me, at the right time, onto the next step.
Allowing God to lead your steps moving forward, will ultimately lead to a more direct path into your destiny, in addition to a heart full of life and joy without the wasted energy that leads to a dead end. What have you been sensing that you fear listening to? Where can you surrender fear today and move where you have grace?
Trust God. Give away the little you do have. Keep it moving.
*Wolf, B., Herrmann M., Brandstatter, V. (2018). Self-efficacy vs. action orientation: Comparing and contrasting two determinants of goal setting and goal striving. Journal of Research in Personality, 73, 35-45.
**Martela, F. & Ryan, R. (2016). The benefits of benevolence: Basic psychological needs, beneficence, and the enhancement of well-being. Journal of Personality, 84(6), 750-764.
