Self-compassion
It’s been a while since I have posted. It’s been one of those seasons, where things have been hectic and full of change. In all honesty, I was actually ready to start publishing again a month ago, but the fear of not being able to maintain my previous weekly posts or falling behind has prevented me from beginning. So, this document has been sitting on my desktop every morning giving me a choice. How am I going to proceed? Finally, I came to a point where I needed to embody a pivotal skill in order to reframe my shame and fears surrounding falling off my publishing streak. After all, my goal to be a prolific writer requires the same skills that are no different from the many goals I help clients achieve. This pivotal skill that I was missing the past several weeks, self-compassion, was the game changer that motivated me to sit down and write this morning. I am human too, and it is okay to have seasons where goal achievement is slower than others due to a need to shift mental resources elsewhere. In fact, my hope is that my own experience with imperfection in goals and embracing self-compassion will help to motivate some of you.
The concept of self-compassion was relatively unidentified until Dr. Kristen Neff began her research at the turn of the 21st century. Since this time, self-compassion has been a prominent concept that has been associated with a plethora of positive outcomes such as: psychological well-being (1), resiliency (2), body-image (3), and marital quality (4). What specifically is self-compassion? Theoretically, it is self-explanatory—having compassion for oneself. Meaning the same warmth and kindness many naturally extend towards others in times of suffering, is extended to oneself.
The three components of self-compassion include: self-kindness vs. self-judgement; commonality with humanity vs. isolation; mindfulness vs. overidentification. In being able to embody all three of these components of self-compassion, shame, a hinderance in so much of life, including goals, becomes dismantled and we are able to move forward with a positive renewed mindset.
Let’s look at some examples from common areas of struggle for clients I work with, such as following a meal plan or finding a fulfilling career. You will notice throughout the three components of self-compassion vs. absence of self-compassion, the self-compassionate responses have the ability to build resiliency and encourage new avenues of growth and satisfaction, whereas lack of self-compassion is often driven by shame and can lead to a deeper entrenchment in one’s struggles.
Self-kindness:
I noticed that I was having a really difficult time regulating my emotions tonight and wasn’t able to properly complete my dinner plan. Maybe there are strategies I can put in place for breakfast to help me with regulation?
I didn’t successfully obtain my interview despite my best efforts. What do I need holistically in a different role in order for the job to be a better fit for me?
v. Self-judgement:
I failed at my meal plan again. I always fail and am just a failure.
They didn’t hire me. There is clearly something wrong with me and who I am because the job was the perfect fit.
Commonality:
A lot of people struggle to eat healthy all the time. Everyone struggles with their ideal food plans at times. Some people struggle in some areas more than others, but I have seen others successfully overcome challenges and I too have overcome challenges in areas that may have been more difficult for others.
Many people struggle with finding fulfilling jobs. But I have seen others gain more knowledge about themselves along the way. I am also on that journey right now. Just as others have navigated through this and gotten to the other side, so will I.
v. Isolation:
Everyone else around me seems to know how to eat normally. My situation is just too complicated for me to ever get better.
Everyone else seems to find situations that work for them. I am just too incompetent to ever get a job that will be a fulfilling fit for me.
Mindfulness:
My body feels bloated and uncomfortable right now. I am going to be okay. My hands are presently typing on the keyboard. I can feel myself take deep breaths. These uncomfortable feelings will not last forever.
My heart is racing and I feel overwhelmed with the thought of going to my dead end job for one more day. It is okay to feel dissatisfied. I am currently taking steps to explore my situation and options. In the meantime, I can enjoy other things in life. I feel my dog cuddled next to me. Her body is warm against mine.
v. Overidentification:
I feel so bloated and fat right now. This is how I always feel. I am just a horribly huge person. I will never be happy because I can’t be recovered and live in the body I want to. I can’t do this. This is so hopeless.
I am so anxious about going to my job another day. There is no way out. Every day I try and it never gets better. Things are horrible. What’s the point?
Whether your goal is to complete a meal, find a fulfilling job, or finish your laundry for the week, being compassionate to oneself along the journey only enhances one’s ability to grow and thrive. Once we are able to extend compassion to ourselves, it frees our mental resources to not only thrive in personal goals but also more effectively connect and have compassion with those in the world around us. Learning to embody self-compassion is not dependent on any specific outcome, rather it is a skill that can be strengthened regardless of your situation or circumstance and can thus be a wonderful place to start when tackling goals. In fact, the journey to achieving one’s goals can be the perfect breeding ground to cultivate self-compassion.
1. Neff, K.D., & Germer, C. (2017). Self-Compassion and Psychological Wellbeing. In J. Doty (Ed.) Oxford Handbook of Compassion Science, Ch 27. Oxford University Press.
2. Rizal, F., Egan, H., Cook, A., Keyte, R., & Mantzios, M. (2020). Examining the impact of mindfulness and self-compassion on the relationship between mental health and resiliency. Current Issues in Personality Psychology, 8(4), 280-288.
3. Seekis, V., Bradley, G.L., & Duffy, A. (2017). The effectiveness of self-compassion and self-esteem writing tasks in reducing body image concerns. Body image, 23, 206-213.
4. Amani, R., & Khosroshani, A.S. (2020). The structural model of marital quality based on secure attachment style through the mediating role of self-compassion, resilience, and prospective-taking. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 1-21.
